First of all, why did I choose this topic for our article of the day? I have recently been going through a break up myself. And I remember thinking to myself, “I thought this gets easier with time”. I have been in the dating and relationship business for over 10 years now and I thought my first heartbreaks were devastating. I thought the whole world was falling apart and my heart is in a million pieces. And once the pain started to fade I though “In time it will start to feel less bad”.
And there I was, 10 years later, crying my heart out on the bathroom floor after my boyfriend decided to break up with me through an impersonal Facebook text. And believe me, it felt better in no way. As a matter of fact, it just felt worse because I realized I was older, I had more regrets in the past and fewer hopes for the future. And the pressure of finding “the one” only felt greater because time was ticking.
However, I decided, after all of my friends made several interventions on not letting me drown in my sorrow, to offer myself a helping hand. Hence, I thought coming up with some tips and tricks for dealing with break ups would be a great guide, both for the current time and for the future possible heartaches.
- Stop obsessing about them
First night, after receiving the heartless text I stayed up and constantly checked whether he was active or not. Did he post anything? Did you see his latest photo? Wrong, so wrong on so many levels. I know it’s hard not to do this since a person that has been actively part of your day-to-day life merely vanishes and we are tempted to hold on, at least to their Facebook or Instagram page, just one more photo. But the only person we are truly hurting with this is ourselves. It’s like a sabotage towards not letting ourselves move on.
- Stop idealizing them
As we well know, our memories are not 100% accurate and most of the times we tend to ignore the bad things that happened. Keep thinking about that great city break you had and how much fun it was but forget the fact that meanwhile you caught him texting his ex. Also, remember those things you didn’t really like about your partner but you were totally blinded because of your feelings? Now it’s time to let it all out. For me it was the music he listened to. I freaking hated his stupid music but hey he was my guy I loved him so I embraced his shitty music. Well, not anymore!
- Let the rage out
Many times in our society we learn that feeling bad or sad is not good. But truth be told, we can’t be all butterflies and rainbows all the time. Having a wide range of feelings is part of being a human. And after a break up you can pretend all you want that you feel great but one day it will hit you. And it might you when you see some random guy giving your favorite flowers to his girlfriend on the street and you just burst into tears like some psychopath. Better let it sink in, cry if you feel like it, don’t keep it in. it’s aprt of moving on.
- Write down everything you could not say
Don’t ever send it, obviously. But the whole process of letting your feelings out, of acknowledging your feelings in the first place, is a huge step forward. Tell them that you hate them for never seeing your true value and treating you like garbage. Think of all the great songs that probably came into existence this way!
- Avoid posting and trying to see him
I know it might be tempted to just post a photo with the girls out in town #feelingwonderful while we all know secretly it means #Idontcare about you. But the whole point of it is the fact that you do care. There’s no meaning in trying to convince them you are cool about the break up while in fact you are probably still crying while hugging that ice cream. Also, trying to find ways of getting around him in public, having a new haircut and 5 pounds less is not a cool idea either. Instead, take a look at what you could change around the house in order to keep yourself away form that party he attends!
- Eat that bloody ice cream and then work out
This is not the time to ponder about the fact “oh but if I do eat it, it has this many calories”. Allow yourself that damn ice cream. Also, this is the right time to start some workout. Not in order to lose the calories from that ice cream but to keep your mind busy and in order. Instead of just wining on the couch about how shitty you feel, go and hit the gym. Plus think about the long term results it might have.
- Why you are better off
This might seem a bit tough or rough to answer. Especially if you thought of your partner as being the one. But thinking of it logically, they probably weren’t the one because “the one” doesn’t leave you heartbroken with that ice cream and bottle of wine in the middle of the kitchen. For me it was “I am better off without him because I no longer have to find excuses for him”.
- Turn to your friends
For me, at least, having a person that I used to talk to on a daily basis vanish and disappear is a huge shock. As a matter of fact, it has been psychologically proven that recovering from a break up is similar to recovering from an addiction. That’s why it’s so essential to have a great network of friends that you can rely on during those “I want to text him and get drunk” moments.
- Stop overthinking
In my case, the break up text came after a great weekend spent together. On Monday evening I receive the wonder message. I had no idea what the hell was going on. I kept imagining all sort of scenarios in my head while his lame explanation was that it is “not working out”. I could not accept this. There must be more. What did I do? And truth is, that at the end of the day it doesn’t even matter. The decision has been made and overthinking about the reasons only keeps you longer in the vicious circle you need to escape from and move on. The “it’s not you” part of the saying might just be true.
- Love yourself
This is probably the hardest part since if we are the ones that have been broken off with, the tendency is to blame ourselves. I mean, look at them, 3 days after the break up being happy as if nothing happened. “What have I done wrong? Where have I messed up? Why was I not good enough?” Remember it takes two to make it work. It is good to take a more objective view upon the relationship but only after it has sunk in. Until then, remember you are a great person, remember all of your friends that wouldn’t stick around if this wasn’t so and remember that it is over and blaming yourself is not going to reverse it. Instead, take a look at my article that talks about some great tips regarding feeling good in your own skin.
All these being said, there are far more things that can be done in order to let go in a more mature manner of a relationship. Let us know if you have some favorite method or if something worked specifically for you. And keep in mind, break ups always suck, it’s not going to get easier with the age but the break up in itself is going to fade in time.