It’s easier to accept chaos when we think we deserve it.
Sometimes, it’s easier to choose the relationships that aren’t completely fulfilling because, in them, we aren’t challenged to do our own work.
At other times, we may be in an amazing relationship, but we are sabotaging it.
Often, we unconsciously sabotage those potentially great relationships because we don’t feel worthy of that type of love or connection.
Yet, unless we have evolved consciously and awakened to our own experiences and feelings, instead of owning those feelings, we will act out and wonder why we ended up pushing our partner away.
There is a lot of talk right now about the conscious relationship, and while it may have started as a more esoteric concept, we are beginning to understand it as the simple practice of owning our shit and being present in the reality of the relationship—not what we perceive it to be.
For those of us who are sabotaging our relationships, it’s not because we don’t love our partner or because we want to break up, but rather that the union is intimidating because we are activated by our personal belief system.
It’s never too late to make changes so we can be ready for a healthy relationship. We need to open our eyes a little to what’s really going on beneath the surface.
You blame your partner for being triggered.
This is the most common aspect of, not only self-sabotage, but also less conscious relationships. When we become triggered, it means that something our partner said or did activated an old wound or fear within us.
The common triggers are fear of abandonment, rejection, or ridicule.
For example, if we feel our partner should have called us at a specific time, instead of saying that this made us feel bad, we lash out toward him or her in anger, passive aggression, or by denying them attention.
When we do this, not only are we hurting our partner, we’re hurting ourselves.
It can be a difficult task to take responsibility for how we are feeling instead of masking it with a secondary emotion. Yet, only when we do this can we shift the dynamic and expectations of the relationship.
If we can accept that our partner can’t make us feel any specific way unless we give them permission to do so, then we are taking responsibility for our emotions and triggers.
In my past experiences, if I was feeling insecure about a situation in a relationship, I would act out in frustration and jealousy. Yet now, if I feel those triggers, I name them to myself and my partner.
It’s not our partner’s job to heal our triggers. It’s our mission to learn how to manage them in a healthy way.
You purposely keep emotional or physical distance in the relationship.
Oftentimes, when we feel a subconscious fear regarding a relationship, we back away—emotionally and physically—in an effort to protect ourselves and our hearts.
It’s normal to become scared within relationships. We run the risk of getting hurt, or having things not work out, or of being disappointed.
However, we can’t stop those things from happening by distancing ourselves from the situation. In fact, all that happens then is that we end up without a relationship to work on at all.
To become vulnerable and let someone into our lives and hearts is always a risk—but there’s also no way to end up in an amazing relationship if we don’t choose to take it.
We can’t play it safe in love and expect to end up waking up to the love of our lives. Instead, we have to become brave and, even if every bone in our body is screaming to run away, we have to make the choice to stay.
You let your fears roar louder than your faith.
We get scared. It’s going to happen.
There will be fear of change, or things not working out and, ironically, even about things working out.
It seems that sometimes the good scares us more than the bad. Somehow, within failed relationships, we have become accustomed to being let down and unfulfilled, so it’s easier to accept than something that feels good.
We either have faith in love or we sentence it to failure before it begins.
If we engage our doubts, whether it’s about the actual person, logistics, or family and friends who are involved, then the feelings of our hearts sometimes fall silent. If we open the door to even one fear then we will let them all rush in until we’re buried in negativity.
Yet, the same is true for faith.
The more we practice deep breathing and centering our thoughts on what is actually occurring and what we are feeling, the easier it will be to simply trust in the process of love and developing a good relationship.
In my experience, self-sabotage rarely happens in those relationships that don’t serve our highest selves.
Instead, it more often occurs with someone that we can picture in our lives forever. In these situations, it is never about what’s wrong with the other person.
If we can get around ourselves, we just might be in the place to welcome great love into our lives.